I haven’t been writing the past few months – I’ve been too busy playing. I made the decision to leave the online world and do my sexual exploration in the flesh. Needless to say, it’s been fun. Beginning with a FWB relationship with a younger man who proved to be a skillful teacher – pushing my boundaries as I wanted and adventuring into new territory with me – I’ve crossed a few things off my ever-expanding bucket list. Submission, bondage, online ads, a threesome, a strap-on, double penetration… and I’ve found myself in the position of juggling three men at a time. (yes, these posts will follow 😉 )
It’s exhausting. Small-town living means I’ve done a lot of travelling to make this happen. And all of it has required careful planning… first, in terms of my full schedule of school, work and kids, and second, thousands of words – and a few pics and videos – chatting, flirting, arranging meetings, sharing fantasies, testing ideas, and the usual conversations about life, work, family, money etc.
In addition to the actual encounters, there have been a few missed opportunities, and many I’ve turned down… so far at least. I’ve spent many hours texting with men that I have yet to meet. A few of them have become confidantes. As I’ve been honest about my intentions and wants – with no shame – they have felt comfortable opening up about themselves. I’ve had fascinating conversations about open relationships, bisexuality (and much curiosity), cheating, dominance, libido, injury, mental illness, self-image. Some of these exchanges began as sexual, and became friendships. Some friendships have manifested sexual feelings – including one of my oldest friends from high school. He is now officially on the growing list of men who are willing and wanting to come to my backwater town to sleep with me.
I’ve prefaced everything with the fact that I was in a long-term relationship with shitty sex and shitty communication, and that I am currently looking for openness in both. I decided to be completely honest about my desire to play and explore my sexuality, and that I wasn’t offering or looking for romance or exclusivity. It was important to me to be honest – with myself and anyone I was going to have sex with. I knew I was running a few risks here… the potential of one of them to expose me in my community, judgement, jealousy, or me getting hurt. I felt as though the chances of meeting someone I’d want more than FWB relationship with would be slim, and that this was my time to play.
As I’m still learning, I have much naiveté left in me. To my surprise, three of them have fallen for me. As each of them has expressed this in his own way, I find myself trying to justify and rationalize. And apologize. I thought being honest would mean that none of them would get hurt. But it’s not that simple. It’s not just fucking – for me or them. And feelings have crept in. With the initial few guys, we became very good friends, and care about each other without anything gooey… I still keep my first Tinder FWB up-to-date on my adventures. But now words and phrases such as “smitten,” “taken,” “I want to know all of you,” “I’d be devastated to lose you” etc. have been put out there.
I’ve hurt people before. Probably times I didn’t even realize. But it’s not what I’m about… I’m a helper. I turned down my first opportunity for a threesome because I ended up counselling another guy at the bar through his bout of depression. I forgave one of the current men for not telling me he was married when I found out about his wife’s mental illness – I send him naughty texts as well as medical articles. I keep my phone on all night long because I know sometimes I’m the only person a few of these guys have to turn to. I’ve made meals, patched holes in jeans, lent them money and listened to their stories. I help people when they hurt – professionally, as a general lifestyle choice, and as a personality trait.
But being honest, terribly nice, helpful, and fucking at the same time has definitely formed bonds… strings where there were supposed to be none attached. And a crush. Mine. To my utter surprise, I have recently been catching myself daydreaming about holding hands with a particular man. And once that started happening, everything got confusing. I haven’t had a “crush” in over 20 years… I’m in one moment arranging another threesome with a married man, then grinning and texting this one lyrics to a love song, and dorky kissy-face emojis. And it doesn’t feel right doing both. Both feel fucking great on their own, but they aren’t fitting together for me. Maybe I don’t make a good player. We were all going to be at the same concert, me with my crush, married guy with his wife. Crush told me today he has to work and can’t go. We had been sending each other our favourite lyrics. I literally started crying… wtf? I suggested to my friend @ thesinnersaintdiary.com (check out this link to a series on cheating) that maybe the problem is I like both DP and holding hands in public. He said that was one of the things that made me awesome. I wondered if it would be one of the things that would make me lonely.
I need to sort out my feelings, my priorities… what I’m willing to risk, and to lose.
And to gain.
All I can decide tonight is not to decide… I’m officially imposing a 48-hour moratorium on making any decisions.